How to Tell the Birds from the Flowers and Other Woodcuts: A Revised Manual of Flornithology for Beginners
Author: Robert Williams Wood
Date: 2025-03-16T20:24:43+00:00
Keywords: American wit and humor; Nature study -- Humor
Description: A physicist writes and illustrates a collection of humorous poems responding to the Nature Fakers controversy.
Publisher: Standard Ebooks

How to Tell the Birds from the Flowers and Other Woodcuts

By Robert Williams Wood.

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How to Tell the Birds from the Flowers and Other Woodcuts

A Revised Manual of Flornithology for Beginners

Intro‑duc‑tion

By other Nature books I’m sure,
You’ve often been misled,
You’ve tried a wall‑flower to secure,
And “picked a hen” instead:
You’ve wondered what the egg‑plants lay,
And why the chestnut’s burred,
And if the hop‑vine hops away,
It’s perfectly absurd.
I hence submit for your inspection,
This very new and choice collection,
Of flowers on Storks, and Phlox of birds,
With some explanatory words.
Not every one is always able
To recognize a vegetable,
For some are guided by tradition,
While others use their intuition,
And even I make no pretense
Of having more than common sense.
Indeed these strange homologies
Are in most flornithologies,
And I have freely drawn upon
The works of Gray and Audubon,
Avoiding though the frequent blunders
Of those who study Nature’s wonders.

Burr; Bird

Who is there who has never heard,
About the Burdock and the Bird?
And yet how very very few,
Discriminate between the two,
While even Mr. Burbank can’t,
Transform a Bird into a Plant.

The Crow; The Crocus

Some are unable, as you know,
To tell the Crocus from the Crow;
The reason why is just be‑caws
They are not versed in Nature’s laws.
The noisy cawing Crows all come,
Obedient to the Cro’custom,
A large Crow Caw‑cus to convoke.
You never hear the Crocus croak!

The Clover; The Plover

The Plover and the Clover can be told apart with ease,
By paying close attention to the habits of the Bees,
For En‑to‑molo‑gists aver, the Bee can be in Clover,
While Ety‑molo‑gists concur, there is no B in Plover.

The Ole Gander; The Oleander

The Gander loves to promenade,
Around the farmer’s poultry yard,
While as we see, the Oleander
Is quite unable to meander:
The Gardener tied it up indeed,
Fearing that it might run to seed.

The Hen; The Lichen

Lichens, regardless of conventions,
Exist in only two dimensions,
A life restricted to a plane,
On rocks and stones a greenish stain,
They live upon the simplest fare,
A drop of dew, a breath of air.
Contrast them with the greedy Hen,
And her most careless regimen,
She shuns the barren stones and rocks,
And thrives upon the garbage box.

The Pelican; The Panicle

The Panicle and Pelican have often been confused,
The letters which spell Pelican, in Panicle are used.
If you recognize this Anagram you’ll never go astray,
Or make the careless blunder that was made by Mr. Gray.

The Pea; The Pewee

To tell the Pewee from the Pea,
Requires great per‑spi‑ca‑city.
Here in the pod we see the Pea,
While perched close by is the Pewee;
The Pea he hears the Pewee peep,
While Pewee sees the wee Pea weep,
There’ll be but little time to see,
How Pewee differs from the Pea.

The Parrot; The Carrot

The Parrot and the Carrot one may easily confound,
They’re very much alike in looks and similar in sound,
We recognize the Parrot by his clear articulation,
For Carrots are unable to engage in conversation.

The Rue; The Rooster

When you awake at half‑past‑two,
And hear a “Cock‑a‑doodle‑doo,”
No argument need then ensue,
It is the Rooster, not the Rue,
Which never thus disturbs our dreams,
With ruthless rude nocturnal screams.
We sleep less soundly than we used ter
And love the Rue but rue the Rooster.

The Hawk; The Hollyhock

To recognize this bird‑of‑prey,
The broody hen you should survey:
She takes her chicks on daily walks,
Among the neighboring Hollyhocks,
While with the Hawk association,
Is quite beyond her toleration.

The Pecan; The Toucan

Very few can
Tell the Toucan
From the Pecan—
Here’s a new plan:

To take the Toucan from the tree,
Requires im‑mense a‑gil‑i‑tee,
While anyone can pick with ease
The Pecans from the Pecan trees.
It’s such an easy thing to do,
That even the Toucan he can too.

The Cat‑bird; The Cat‑nip

The Cat‑bird’s call resembles that
Emitted by the Pussy Cat,
While Cat‑nip growing by the wall,
Is never known to caterwaul:
Its odor though attracts the Kits,
And throws them in Cat‑nip‑tion fits.

The Quail; The Kale

The California Quail is said
To have a tail upon his head,
While contrary‑wise we style the Kale,
A cabbage‑head upon a tail.
It is not hard to tell the two,
The Quail commences with a queue.

The Auk; The Orchid

We seldom meet, when out to walk,
Either the Orchid or the Auk.
The awk‑ward Auk is only known
To dwellers in the Auk‑tic zone,
While Orchids can be found in legions,
Within the equatorial regions.
So if by chance you travel on
The Lena or the Am‑a‑zon,
Be certain of the tem‑pera‑ture
Or you will make mistakes I’m sure.

The Cow Bird; The Cowslip

Although the Cow’slips on this plant,
Suggest perhaps a ru‑min‑ant,
One never sees the opening bud,
Devour the grass or chew its cud.
The Cowbird picture, I suspect,
Is absolutely incorrect;
We make such errors now and then,
A sort of cow slip of the pen.

The Butter‑ball; The Butter‑cup

The little Butter‑cup can sing,
From morn ’till night like anything.
The quacking of the Butter‑ball,
Cannot be called a song at all.
We thus the flower may learn to know,
Its song is reproduced below.

The Roc; The Shamrock

Although I never took much stock,
In Sinbad’s yarn about the Roc,
And really must confess I am
Inclined to think the Roc a sham:
Take notice that, the Sham‑rock may
Be seen upon St. Patrick’s day.

A Sparrer; Asparagus

Of the fall of the Sparrow we often have heard,
And I’ve here represented the fall of the bird:
In the case of Asparagus though, I may mention,
A fall such as this, is quite out of the question:
For observe that Asparagus, fat and well fed,
Spends all of his time in the ’sparagus bed.

The Blue Mountain Lory; The Blue Morning Glory

The Insects, to avoid surprise
By Birds, sometimes themselves disguise
As leaves and twigs, and thus escape
The appetizing Insect’s fate.
Observe how cleverly this Vine
Has forced its leaves and flowers to twine
Themselves into a Bird design.
And how its artful turns and twists,
Hide it from zealous Botanists.

The Tern; The Turnip

To tell the Turnip from the Tern,
A thing which everyone should learn,
Observe the Tern up in the air,
See how he turns, and now compare
Him with this in‑ert veg‑et‑able,
Who thus to turn is quite unable,
For he is rooted to the spot,
While as we see, the Tern is not:
He is not always doomed to be
Thus bound to earth e‑tern‑ally
For “cooked to a tern” may be inferred,
To change the Turnip to a bird.

Observe the Turnip in the Pot.
The Tern is glad that he is not!

The Larks; The Larkspur

You must not make ad‑verse remarks,
About my drawing of the Larks.
For, by the minor poet’s lore
The Larks‑per‑pet‑ually soar.
While Larkspurs, bordering garden walks,
Are perched securely on their stalks.

Cross Bill; Sweet William

Nobody but an imbecile
Mistakes Sweet William for Cross Bill:
And even I can scarcely claim,
The skill to make them look the same.
Some other shrubs and vines and trees,
Express emotion much like these,
You’ve seen the mad‑wort plant I guess,
And weeping willows and sigh‑press,
The passion‑flower, at its climax,
The glad‑iolus and the smile‑ax.

The Ibis; The ’Ibiscus

The sacred Ibis, one might say,
Was classified a “Bird-of-Pray”
His body, after death, was dried,
Embalmed in pitch, and mummyfied,
And thus was handed down to us
In some old King’s sarcophagus.
The Mallow, growing in the bogs,
(’Ibiscus termed by pedagogues)
Is much opposed to dessication,
And bears no marks of veneration.

The Pipe; The Snipe

Observe the hybrid Indian Pipe,
Likewise the high‑bred English Snipe,
Who is distinguished, as we see,
By his superior pedigree.

The Jay; The Bay

The Blue Jay, as we clearly see,
Is so much like the green Bay tree
That one might say the only clue,
Lies in their dif‑fer‑ence of hue,
And if you have a color sense,
You’ll see at once this difference.

The Gent‑ians; The Lady‑bird

The reason why this beetle gay,
Is called the Lady‑bird, they say,
Is just because he wastes his hours,
In running after pretty flowers,
Who, quite regardless of conventions,
Most openly invite attentions.
(And hence are aptly termed the Gent‑ians.)

Puffin; Nuffin

Upon this cake of ice is perched,
The paddle-footed Puffin:
To find his double I have searched,
But have discovered—Nuffin’.

The Bee; The Beet; The Beetle

Good Mr. Darwin once contended
That Beetles were from Bees descended,
And as my pictures show I think
The Beet must be the missing link.
The sugar‑beet and honey‑bee
Supply the Beetle’s pedigree:
The family is now complete—
The Bee, the Beetle and the Beet.

The Bunny; The Tunny

The superficial naturalists have often been misled,
By failing to discriminate between the tail and head:
It really is unfortunate such carelessness prevails,
Because the Bunnies have their heads where Tunnies have their tails.

The Puss; The Octo‑pus

The Octopus or Cuttle‑fish!
I’m sure that none of us would wish
To have him scuttle ’round the house,
Like Puss, when she espies a mouse:
When you secure your house‑hold pet,
Be very sure you do not get
The Octopus, or there may be
Domestic in‑felis‑ity.

The Eel; The Eelephant

The marked aversion which we feel,
When in the presence of the Eel,
Makes many view with consternation,
The Elephant’s front ele‑vation.
Such folly must be clearly due
To their peculiar point of view.

The Ant; The Pheas‑ant

The ant is known by his ant‑ennae,
Where‑as the pheas‑ant hasn’t any,
And that is why he wears instead,
A small red cap upon his head:
Without his Fez, indeed the pheasant,
Would be quite bald and quite un‑pleasant.

The Hare; The Harrier

The Harrier, harassed by the Hare,
Presents a picture of despair;
Although as far as I’m concerned,
I love to see the tables turned.
The Harrier flies with all his might,
It is a harum‑scare’m flight:
I’m not surprised he does not care
To meet the fierce pursuing Hare.

The Pen‑guin; The Sword‑fish

We have for many years been bored
By that old saw about the sword
And pen, and now we all rejoice,
To see how Nature made her choice:
She made, regardless of offendin’,
The Sword‑fish mightier than the Penguin.

The Gnu; The Newt

The Gnu conspicuously wears
His coat of gnumerous bristling hairs,
While, as we see, the modest Newt
Of such a coat is destitute.
(I’m only telling this to you,
And it is strictly “entre gnu”)
In point of fact the Newt is nude,
And therefore he does not obtrude,
But hides in some secluded gnook,
Beneath the surface of the brook.
It’s almost more than he can bear,
To issue slyly from his lair,
And snatch a hasty breath of air,
His need of which is absolute,
Because, you see, he is a pneu‑t.1

The Ray; The Raven

I always sing the hymn of hate,
When I perceive the Ray (or skate)
His ugly mouth I can’t abide,
His eyes are on the other side,
His features are all out of place
He hasn’t even any face.
I do not mind the Raven, though
Maligned by Edgar Allan Poe:
By his fun‑er‑ial array
We recognize him from the Ray,
Whose epiderm is white as snow,
Not black as night, like Mr. Crow.
Though black, morose, and quite unshaven
I’m sure we all prefer the Raven.

The Ape; The Grape

The Apes, from whom we are descended,
Hang ape‑x down from trees suspended,
And since we find them in the trees,
We term them arbor‑ig‑i‑nes.
This quite explains the monkey‑shines
Cut up by those who pluck from vines
The Grape, and then subject its juices,
To Bacchanalian abuses.

The Doe; The Dodo

The Doe and her phonetic double,
No longer are a source of trouble,
Because the Dodo, it appears,
Has been extinct for many years:
She was too haughty to embark,
With total strangers in Noah’s ark,
And we rejoice because her pride,
Our nature book has simplified.

The Pipe‑fish; The Sea‑gar

To smoke a herring is to make
A most lam‑en‑table mistake,
Particularly since there are
The pipe‑fish and the long Sea‑gar.
Bear this in mind when next you wish
To smoke your after‑dinner fish.

The Elk; The Whelk

A roar of welkome through the welkin
Is certain proof you’ll find the Elk in;
But if you listen to the shell,
In which the Whelk is said to dwell,
And hear a roar, beyond a doubt
It indicates the Whelk is out.

The P‑cock; The Q‑cumber

The striking similarity
of this P‑Q‑liar pair,
No longer need en-cumber us,
or fill us with despair:
The P‑cock and the Q‑cumber
you never need confuse,
If you pay attention to the Eyes
and mind your P’s and Q’s.

The Sloe; The Sloth

See what a fix the Sloth is in,
He has been captured by the gin:
This gin is not the same gin though,
In which we sometimes find the Sloe.
This shows how careful one must be,
To treat the gin most gingerly.

The Cow; The Cowry

The Cowry seems to be, somehow,
A sort of mouth‑piece for the Cow:
A speaking likeness one might say,
Which I’ve endeavored to portray.

The Antelope; The Cantelope

If you will tap the Cantelope
reposing on the ground
It will not move, but just emit
a melon‑choly sound
But if you try this method on
the antlered antelope,
His departure will convince you
that he is a mis‑an‑thrope.

The Pansy; The Chim‑pansy

Observe how Nature’s necromancies
Have clearly painted on the Pansies,
These almost human counten‑ances,
In yellow, blue and black nu‑ances.
The face however seems to me
To be that of the Chim‑pan‑zee:
A fact that makes the gentle Pansy,
Appeal no longer to my fancy.

Naught; Nautilus

The Argo‑naut or Nautilus,
With habits quite adventurous,
A com‑bin‑a‑tion of a snail,
A jelly‑fish and paper sail.
The parts of him that did not jell,
Are packed securely in his shell.
It is not strange that when I sought
To find his double, I found Naught.

The Coot; The Bandicoot

I do not wish to at‑tri‑bute
Importance to the common Coot,
Or mud-hen, whom most persons scorn,
Because she chanced to be “Earth-born.”
The small Australian Bandicoots
Are said to spring from Kanga‑roots,
Which roots, as you of course foresee,
Are those of their ancestral tree,
The motto of which vegetable
Is just “O possum”2 (I am able).

The Pitcher Plant; The Fly‑catcher

The Pitcher Plant we may define,
The flower of the base‑ball nine;
This name perhaps the plant belies,
For Pitcher Plants sometimes catch flies;
The “Fly”-Catcher we educate
To firmly stand behind the plate,
To stop, and treat with circumspection,
Whatever comes in his direction.

The Yellow‑hammer; The Saw‑fish

The Yellow-Hammer, or the Flicker,
More briefly “Golden-winged Wood-picker,”
My drawing of which striking bird
May seem to you perhaps absurd,
You even may suspect I stole
The idea from some Totem-pole:
But when you gaze upon the Fish,
You lose all patience and say “Pish!
I don’t believe you ever saw
A Saw‑fish look like this, Oh Pshaw!
There certainly is some mistake,
This is a saw‑did Nature fake,
In fact a perfect cata‑clysm
Of fishy Yellow-journalism.”

Author’s Add‑end‑’em

If you have read my former words,
And learned to recognize the Birds,
And how to tell them from the Flowers,
And know these Analogues of ours,
You never need be led astray
By Darwin, Audobon, or Gray,
Whose writings, though considered classic,
Savor some‑what of the Jurassic.
Your work though is but just begun,
While mine, I’m glad to say, is done.
To you the field I now leave clear,
Upset my ink, and disappear!

Endnotes

1.

This word, of air is emblematic,
Greek, pneumos—air—compare “Pneumatic.”

2.

The Bandicoot and Kangaroo,
As well as the Opossum too,
Are relative because all three
Belong to the same family.

List of Illustrations

A duck.

On the left is a stork facing away from the viewer, with a long neck that curves around to the center. On the right is a phlox flower which has its base at the center and curves outwards to the right. The stork and the phlox have mirrored silhouettes and form a heart shape.

On the left is a burr. On the right is a bird sitting on a branch facing the viewer with its beak upturned. The burr and the bird have similar silhouettes.

Luther Burbank, a white man with short hair wearing a suit, is depicted at bust length in three-quarter view facing left.

On the left is a crow sitting on a branch, facing left and taking the stem of a fruit into its mouth. On the right is a diagram of two crocuses with their bulbs under the soil and their flowers above. The crow and the crocuses have similar silhouettes.

On the left is a clover flower with a bee sitting on it. On the right is a plover standing on one leg. The clover and the plover have similar silhouettes.

On the left is a gander facing away from the viewer. On the right is a potted oleander shrub. The gander and the oleander have similar silhouettes.

On the left is a hen facing right, with its head turned back over its wing. On the right is lichen on a rock. The hen and the lichen have similar silhouettes.

On the left is a pelican facing the viewer, with its wings lifted. On the right are two panicles growing closely together. The pelican and the panicle have similar silhouettes.

On the left are two pods of peas growing on a plant; the right pod has a face and is crying. On the right is a pewee perched on the pod and leaning towards the pea with its mouth open.

On the left is a parrot perched on a branch, facing right. On the right is a two-pronged carrot which lies diagonally with its top to the right. The parrot and the carrot have similar silhouettes.

On the left is a rue plant, with three blossoms leaning off to the right. On the right is a rooster swooping down to eat a plant. The rue and the rooster have similar silhouettes.

On the left is a hawk sitting on a branch while a hen looks at it and a chick looks at the hen. On the right is a row of hollyhock which a hen and five chicks are walking through.

A toucan sits on a pecan tree eating a pecan from the branches. The pecans and the beak of the toucan have similar silhouettes.

On the left is a catbird sitting on a branch and facing left. On the right is a catnip flower. The catbird and the catnip have similar silhouettes.

A black cat rolls in a catnip patch in front of a wall.

On the left is a quail, standing on the ground and facing left. On the right is a kale plant. The quail and the kale have similar silhouettes.

On the left is an auk with a branch in its mouth. On the right is an orchid flower. The auk and the orchid have similar silhouettes.

On the left is a cowbird, drawn with the face of a cow. On the right is a cowslip flower. The cowbird and the cowslip have similar silhouettes.

On the left is a butterball. On the right is a buttercup. The butterball and the buttercup have similar silhouettes.

7 bars of musical notation, with a pickup measure, transcribing the song of the butter-cup.

On the left is a roc with a goat in its mouth. On the right is a shamrock. The roc and the shamrock have similar silhouettes.

On the left is a sparrow with its head tilted up. On the right is a tip of asparagus. The sparrow and the asparagus have similar silhouettes.

On the left is a blue mountain lory perched on a vine. On the right is a blue morning glory growing on a vine. The lory and the morning glory have similar silhouettes.

On the left is a tern swooping down over water. On the right is a turnip with its root in the ground and its leaves in the air. The tern and the turnip have similar silhouettes.

A tern smiles at a turnip cooking in a pot.

On the left are four larks flying through the air. On the right is a larkspur vine with four leaves. The larks and the larkspur have similar silhouettes.

On the left is a crossbill sitting on a branch with a grumpy expression. On the right is a sweet William flower with a cheerful expression. The crossbill and the sweet William do not have similar silhouettes.

On the left is an ibis, facing forward and standing on one leg. On the right is a hibiscus growing from the ground with its blossom closed. The ibis and the hibiscus have similar silhouettes.

On the left is an Indian pipe plant, emerging from the ground and leaning right, with some blades of grass in the background. On the right is an English snipe wearing a hat and monocle, facing left with its beak extended to the ground. The pipe and the snipe have similar silhouettes.

Two shields side-by-side, with labeled heraldry. The left shield has two crosses botonny, bend sinister. The right shield has fess argent, mantlets sable, and on top of the shield is a hat matching the hat of the snipe.

On the left is a blue jay sitting on a branch. On the right is a Bay tree. The jay and the bay have similar silhouettes.

On the left are two inverted gentian blossoms which resemble ladies in long dresses. On the right is a ladybird carrying a cane and tipping his top hat to the gentians.

On the left is a puffin, looking over its shoulder to the right. On the right is an empty space.

On the left is a bee. In the center is a beet. On the right is a beetle. The bee, the beet and the beetle have similar silhouettes.

On the left is a bunny, facing away from the viewer. On the right is a tunny, seen from the side and facing down in the water. The bunny and the tunny have similar silhouettes.

On the left is a cat with its back arched up and its tail hanging down. On the right is an octopus with five visible legs. The puss and the octopus have similar silhouettes.

On the left is an eel, seen from above, with its head pointing towards the top. On the right is an elephant, facing forward. The eel and the elephant have similar silhouettes.

On the left is an ant, facing left. On the right is a pheasant, also facing left, with a plant in the background just in front of it. The ant and the pheasant have similar silhouettes.

On the left is a hare, leaping right down a hill after a harrier. The hare and the harrier have similar silhouettes.

On the left is a penguin. On the right is a swordfish, drawn larger than the penguin. The penguin and the swordfish have similar silhouettes.

On the left is a gnu, standing on a hill. On the right is a newt, floating underwater. The gnu and the newt have similar silhouettes.

On the left, a newt is diving beneath a rock, while a fish swims above it. On the right, another newt floats to the surface of the water, next to a lily pad.

On the left is a ray, facing front. On the right is a raven sitting on a branch. The ray and the raven have similar silhouettes.

A raven flies forward.

On the left, an ape hangs upside down from a branch by its tail. On the right is a bunch of grapes, hanging from a branch. The ape and the grapes have similar silhouettes. Text between the ape and the grapes reads, “To see her shape, / Invert the Ape!”

On the left is a doe, facing right and standing on its hind legs. On the right is a dodo, also facing right. The doe and the dodo have similar silhouettes.

On the left is a pipefish; on the right is a garfish. The pipefish and the garfish are both facing left and have their tails curled under them in a backwards “C” shape, and otherwise have similar silhouettes.

On the left is an elk, facing away. On the right is a whelk, also facing away. The penguin and the swordfish have similar silhouettes.

On the left is a peacock, facing left with its tail down. On the right is a cucumber, standing up on its wider end. The peacock and the cucumber have similar silhouettes.

On the left, a branch of flowering sloe sticks out from a bottle of sloe gin. On the right, a sloth climbs a tree while its tail is caught in a gin trap. The sloe and the sloth have similar silhouettes.

On the left is a cow’s head, facing forward. On the right is a cowry. The cow’s lips and the cowry have similar silhouettes.

On the left is an antelope, sitting on the ground and facing right. On the right is a cantelope, resting on the ground with a leaf sticking up on the right. The antelope and the cantelope have similar silhouettes.

On the left is a pansy blossom, with leaves and a stem beneath it. On the right is a chimpanzee, facing forward with its arms crossed in an “X” and its hands pointing upwards. The pansy and the chimpanzee have similar silhouettes.

A nautilus floats in the water with its shell pointing downwards. The nautilus is drawn to look like a person reclining.

On the left is a coot, facing left. On the right is a bandicoot, also facing left. The coot and the bandicoot have similar silhouettes.

Three kangaroos; with their backs to each other, their legs pointing outwards, and their tails pointing down; form the silhouette of a tree.

On the left is a pitcher plant growing out of the ground. On the right is a flycatcher thrush sitting on a branch growing out of the ground. The pitcher plant and the flycatcher have similar silhouettes.

On the top is a yellowhammer bird, with its beak pointing up. On the bottom is a sawfish, with its nose pointing left. The yellowhammer and the sawfish have similar silhouettes.

Colophon

How to Tell the Birds from the Flowers and Other Woodcuts
was published in 1917 by
Robert Williams Wood.

This ebook was produced for
Standard Ebooks
by
Mariel Laugesen,
and is based on a transcription produced in 2010 by
Juliet Sutherland, David Garcia, and Distributed Proofreaders
for
Project Gutenberg
and on digital scans from the
Internet Archive.

The cover page is adapted from
The Bewitched Mill,
a painting completed in 1913 by
Franz Marc.
The cover and title pages feature the
League Spartan and Sorts Mill Goudy
typefaces created in 2014 and 2009 by
The League of Moveable Type.

This edition was released on
January 20, 2026, 5:02 p.m.
and is based on
revision f00d2b9.
The first edition of this ebook was released on
March 16, 2025, 8:24 p.m.
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